Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Snow

Original Poem and Rewrite for One Stop Poetry:

The following poem was written and posted here in my blog on January 15, 2011 for the Small Stones project at River of Stones. I have rewritten it in iambic pentameter blank verse as a submission to One Stop Poetry's call for rewrites of free verse in this form and for One Shot Wednesday:

Snow (original)

Still imaginings of life suspended
beyond this hard shell of walls at dawn.
A pure white world lies without
warm eider down within.

A rumble and a growl intrude
to pierce the peace, to force a pass
as plow plunders the sleep of beauty
in her mantle of white.

Then echoes from the labyrinth;
the clang of sword on forge as
plowshares form to plunge in turn
the earth awakened under snow.

Snow (Rewrite in Iambic Pentameter, Blank Verse)

Imaginings of life suspended, still,
Beyond a shell of hard, cold walls at dawn.
White world of snow lies silently outside;
Soft quilt of eiderdown warms one within.

A growl and rumble shake the earth beneath,
To pierce the peace, to force a pass in dark,
Disturbing beauty in her sleep so sound;
Plow plunders mantle’s pure and silent form.

Then echoes heard within the labyrinth;
The clang of swords as plowshares come from forge
To plunge in turn the sphere of earth below,
Awak’ning under snow to nurture seed.

12 comments:

  1. I think I prefer the rewrite to the original. Its flow is smoother and cleaner.
    Is there a reason why you've changed the poem other than to suit the
    requirements of the meme?

    friko (on a different computer)

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  2. Hi Friko,

    What a coincidence;I was just looking at the post of your new computer in your study! Lucky you.
    I accepted the One Stop Poetry challenge to rewrite a free verse in iambic pentameter blank verse. I liked the discipline of the exercise. ( As my little grandaughter, Emily, would say: "Silly me", I posted too late to be added to the link back on the One Stop website---.) I will keep both poems in my "archives"

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  3. "White world of snow lies silently outside" love that line.

    i like the rewrite :)

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  4. Thank you Lines, for reading. I enjoyed rewriting, although I was apprehensive at first.

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  5. I much prefered the first version - apart from the words 'does it forge', for they seem to be out of kilter with the rest of the sentence. I'd like to see the words 'ploughshares plunge' sitting together, if possible...
    The re-write felt much heavier than the original...

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  6. Thanks for the suggestion Jinksy. It would sound better, but I'd lose the reference to "beating swords into plowshares". Maybe I can work it around in another rewrite.

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  7. You never get exactly the same thing in rewrites like this in my experience--that's what makes them such a force and such a useful tool. I like both versions, but I found the second more to my own personal tastes--I don't think either one is inherently "better" or worse--these two are very even, you've kept everything important I think. Fun to read for me, Ann--hope you enjoyed the writing as much.

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  8. nice, i like to see before and afters, it tells me much about what you find important in the verse and what you are willing to sacrifice...i rather like the first...

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  9. The second version is more cunning in its meter and rhyme and alliteration, weaving al that into the inner seams where the reader doesn't so much spot it as get it in the ear. Such a fine sortie of awakenings out of winter sleep. - Brendan

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  10. Although the rewrite works well, I prefer the original....


    Here is my One Shot:
    gost of a rose

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  11. Yes, the rewrite works for me very well.

    Gotta love a poem that includes plowshares, love to imagine the churning, uplifting earth now turning its face to heaven.

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  12. I get an almost medieval feeling from both, but especially the rewrite. Interesting how a change in form does that. I think my favorite is the first, though...

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